Only When I Sleep
by Venus-Diablo
Summary: Dean ruminates on the turn his lifer has taken, and he and Cas find comfort in the only place left to them. Slash Don't like don't read. you have been warned


**Title:** Only When I Sleep

**Writer:** Rayne

**Pairing:** Dean/Castiel (established relationship)

**Rating:** not sure pg-13? (I'm English don't get the international thing, in UK would prob be a 12a for language)

**Warnings**: Slash, Language, angst, maybe a little blasphemy.

**Spoilers:** gonna say season 4 in entirety cos don't want anyone on euro schedule complaining... nothing major though.

**Summary:** Dean ruminates on the turn his life has taken and he and Cas find comfort in the only place left to them.

**Disclaimer:** The only Sam and Dean I own are my gerbils. These guys belong to Kripke, so does Cas. I just like to raid EK's toy box and make them do things that would make Barbie and Kens heads spin.

**Notes:**

Originally written for the Dean Castiel community 'Groped by an Angel' on Livejournal.

Set about 6 months after Lucifer rising. Sam'n'Dean hightailed it the hell outta the convent, and Cas (barely) escaped the showdown with the Archangels alive, though he is now on the run from both sides.

In my head Dean and Cas got together when Dean was in hospital after the Alistair showdown (Cas had an Emo moment) may write it some day lol

Title from the song by The Corrs (not a fan but sod it, it came on the radio while I was writing and the title worked)

Haven't written fan fiction in soooo long (not anything i finished anyway), my last epic a couple of years ago wiped me out so this might be really bad, or not, lost all ability to judge at this point.

**Only When I sleep...**

The moonlight shone down on what was probably once a picturesque and tranquil man made lake. Years of neglect lessened the peaceful atmosphere somewhat as Dean kicked absently at a discarded beer can and half sighed half growled his frustration into the night before sinking down onto a nearby dilapidated bench and gazing up at the clear sky. Stars blinked down on a world full of people both innocent and not so much, who for the most part had no idea yet how monumentally screwed they were. He was exhausted, physically, emotionally, Hell even spiritually. He didn't even know where to start on the endless list of worries and wishes, guilt and regret that kept him awake at night...

Worry for the pit of his own guilt Sam seemed to be sinking deeper and deeper into every day since he broke the final seal and Lucifer arose. Wishing he could take away his brothers anguish with nothing more than a candy bar and a string of little white lies the way he could when they were kids. Guilt for failing to stop him, constantly wondering if there was more he could have done. Regret at not killing that bitch Ruby the moment he found out what she was.

Worry for Castiel the newly rogue angel... _his_ angel. Now being hunted by both the armies of Hell and his own brothers in Heaven because he had dared to disobey and follow his heart and not the 'company line'. Wishing that they'd had more time together before Castiel was forced to leave. Guilt that the angel had given up everything for him, a screwed up human who no matter how many times his celestial lover assured him otherwise, would never believe him self worthy of such a sacrifice. Regret that due to Heaven keeping a sharp eye on him, being the number one weapon in their arsenal, he cannot be with the one he loves in case those angelic bastards used him to find Cas.

Worry for the world at large, Humanity going along with their lives in blissful ignorance of the fact that at any moment either side of this war could just decide to wipe them out and regard it as nothing more than collateral damage. Wishing that the ass holes upstairs would just quit with the cryptic bullshit and tell him how to stop Lucifer so that he could just get on with it already. Guilt that at times like this he feels he would do just about anything to pass all of it off onto someone else and let them deal with the apocalyptic shit fest that his life has become, even for one day. Regret that even if he could he knows he never would. And with that thought he is back to square one.

Leaning back he closed his eyes and thought of Cas, as if his life wasn't complicated enough the first time in his life he experienced the kind of earth shattering, soul shaking love that is the stuff of a million chick flicks and he had to fall for a God damn angel of the lord. One riding around in a male vessel non the less. 'Dean Winchester', he thought to himself 'legendary ladies man, reduced to little more than a pining emo chick by a celestial being in an ill fitting suit.' The weirdness of it wasn't lost on him but he really didn't care any more and he smiled softly to himself as his breathing slowed and the tension in his shoulders fell away. Only moments later the blackness of his closed eyelids turned a burning red and he sighed contentedly, it wasn't the first time this had happened, but it had been too long, it was always too long.

Knowing what was coming and deciding to get in a pre-emptive strike, he lowered his voice a pitch and drawled 'Hello Castiel' in loving mockery of the greeting he knew was about to be uttered. It had been a while since the angel was able to sneak up on him the way he once had. Once upon a time it had bugged the Hell out of him that he could be caught so off guard, but now if he was honest with himself he missed it. The fact that he could tell that Castiel was about to arrive, in this state of consciousness, just outlining the fact that this was the only option left to them.

Opening his eyes he saw the same scene from moments before, only this time it was as it was meant to be, beautiful, peaceful and tranquil. The now setting sun casting the sky in shades of red and gold and standing before that sunset was Cas, the autumnal shades of approaching night enveloping him and making him look every bit the Angel he still should be.

'Hello Dean.' Cas responded the trace of a smile on his lips.

Dean stood and walked assuredly towards his angel, 'You know,' he said breathlessly as all concept of personal space was ignored and he found himself able to feel the heat radiating from the body so close before him, 'that line is gonna get old.'

His breath caught in his throat as Castiel, honest to goodness smirked at him. 'The acceleration of your heart rate says otherwise Dean.'

He couldn't help but roll his eyes and chuckle softly, 'Man, Cas sometimes you can be such an Angel.'

His chuckles died in his throat as he took in the intense searing look in Castiel's eyes. The angel raised a hand stroking his cheek softly, the other resting on Dean's hip as he leant forward, their noses brushing softly, Castiel's breath ghosting across his lips, 'No such an Angel Dean, not since you.'

For the briefest of moments a rush of guilt swept through Dean at the trueness of Cas's word's but it didn't last long, all coherent thought was lost as their lips were pressed together, a kiss full of longing, and grief, and regret that they could not be together outside of Dean's dream state. Instinctively his hands brushed up the side of Cas's body, he refused to think of it as Jimmy's body, if he did the little light he had in the darkness of his world would be taken from him by his own mind. He moaned involuntarily as his hand wound into the angels' dark locks holding him to him like a life line, his only port in the storm constantly raging about him. Reluctantly he pulled away but an inch and rested their foreheads together as he spoke, his voice barely more than a whisper. 'Please,' he hated the pleading tone of his voice but could not control it, 'say you can stay till the morning.'

He felt Cas sigh more than he heard it, 'I wish I could,' The angel pulled back a little and Dean opened his eyes to see him gazing up at the heavens, 'but they know I am with you, even now they search. It will not be long before they find me here.'

Anger welled in Dean and as much as he wanted to control it, the reason behind it was too strong. 'Why can't they just let us be huh?' I mean Lucifer is roaming the Earth, gathering more and more minions as we speak, don't they have more important things to do?'

Blue eyes met green in a look of infinite patience, 'There is nothing more important to them than you Dean. You are the only one that can stop Lucifer.'

'Yeah well if they want me to help them out they aint exactly going about it the best way.' Dean knew he sounded like a whiny child, but he couldn't help it. Why should he be expected to save the world when the world, damn even Heaven itself, wanted to deny him the only thing, the only person that gave him peace? He knew that life wasn't fair, he'd learnt that the hard way when his mother burnt, leaving his childhood as nothing but cinders and ash, but damn hadn't these heavenly assholes ever heard the phrase 'you scratch my back I'll scratch yours'?

Castiel rubbed his back comfortingly, it never ceased to amaze Dean just how much of humanity Cas had picked up and yet he still spoke like an angel, and at times gave him a tilted look of such innocent searching that it made his heart cry out to protect him. He knew it wasn't a learned gesture, he could feel the intent behind it, and that feeling assailed him with a heady mixture of love and guilt, Cas would have been better off had they never met, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it.

He felt the angel smile against his hair. 'You know Dean if you really wish me to stay out of your private thoughts, you should not project them so loudly.' Instinctively Dean tensed; the whole mind reading thing was something he would never get used to. Castiel's soothing strokes ceased and the angel took his face in his hands, cupping his cheeks, forcing him to maintain contact with a gaze that radiated nothing but love, 'Do not feel guilt for me Dean, I made My choices knowing what the consequences would be, non of this is your fault.' Cas looked away and to the floor as if he feared the retribution for his next words, 'even if you had not loved me the way I came to wish, I would still have chosen to help you.' He suddenly looked up with such intensity that Dean had to fight the urge not to break from his gaze, 'You told me of Zachariah's words, that God had left the building. Dean in the absence of God, I chose to follow you, and I always shall.

Dean felt the blush rising in his cheeks, he hated to ask but he had to. 'And when God comes home? What then Cas? Last I heard he wasn't so big on the guy on guy action.'

Castiel smiled, an honest smile, 'When my father is no longer kept from the throne, we can be free Dean. His essence is love; he would never punish us for being an embodiment of his being.'

It was then that the storm clouds began to roll in from the horizon, Dean knew that it wasn't Cas's doing, their time together was always a haven of peace, it could only mean one thing, the angels were coming. 'Damn!' Dean exclaimed, 'Cas you gotta go.'

They clung to each other as if the world were about to end, lips millimetres apart, 'I know,' Cas responded, 'I promise you Dean it will not always be this way. Were it not for my need to have the power to protect you if I must we would be together now.' Cas forced him back a few inches locking their gazes together, 'but know this Dean Winchester, when Lucifer falls by your hand, if you wish it I will gladly fall,' he stroked a thumb across Deans lips as Dean closed his eyes, 'For you!'

Lightning split the sky a second after Castiel vanished, the thunder sounded like the angry cries of an army of angels. A moment later Dean's eyes opened to the dark night sky, the cold of a wooden bench pressed against his back. Castiel's final words to him played over in his head, the fall of an angel was another responsibility he would have to answer for, maybe even the biggest of his life, but if he was honest, right now it sounded damn good.

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Reviews and con-crit are love.


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